circus of lies

Creepy as fuck

2007-06-21T01:11:00.000-04:00

Good luck with that...

2007-04-09T23:00:00.000-04:00

This young lady tried out to be a Denver Broncos cheerleader. If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all...

deja vu

2007-02-06T13:31:00.000-05:00

Totally RAD!!!

2007-01-05T01:52:00.000-05:00

Throwback jerseys are neat. So is Jesus. Ergo... www.christianthrowbackjersey.com

The Conchords

2006-12-11T20:38:00.000-05:00

Bless you!

2006-11-19T11:47:00.000-05:00

Right, cowboys like it smooth...

2006-11-19T11:32:00.000-05:00

So I was clicking around Amazon.com, and I clicked the page for a Philips Norelco Men's Bodygroom.

If you're familiar with Amazon.com, you'll know they recommend other products, that people who viewed that page purchased.

Awwww!

2006-11-17T22:14:00.000-05:00

1999 Redux

2006-10-29T21:40:00.000-05:00

Low-quality video, high-quality entertainment!!!! (The last three exclamation points were ironic.)

Separated at Birth: II

2006-10-23T11:40:00.000-04:00

Aaron Miles (Cardinals second baseman) vs. Ian Bliss (The Matrix: Reloaded)

Separated at birth?

2006-10-20T00:29:00.000-04:00

In honor of the Cardinals advancing to their second World Series in three years, I present to you outfielder Preston Wilson, winner of the Shaq-Daddy look-alike contest:

back from the dead?

2006-10-03T17:08:00.000-04:00

What would the frog-suit look like?

2006-09-11T23:19:00.000-04:00

http://www.joystiq.com/2006/09/11/gory-goomba-guts-gush-we-giggle-gleefully/

Newsman gets HIS lid ripped off

2006-09-07T16:48:00.000-04:00

This is why I love the local news. They really tackle the issues. And sometimes, the issues tackle them.

JURASSIC PARK

2006-09-07T13:01:00.000-04:00

Man, how AWESOME is this going to be!? It'll be like the entire earth is Jurassic Park! Oh man, remember that scene where the raptors come in and the people were all eating ice cream and jello?! YAY! DINOSAURS!

drjosh, this isn't even his desk.

like this, only dead and frozen, occasionally dropping from the sky

2006-09-06T20:34:00.000-04:00

Hello, boys.

2006-08-30T22:54:00.000-04:00

After reading and judging for so long, I was finally FINALLY allowed into the famously NO GIRLS ALLOWED Circus of Lies. As a veteran Circle of Jerk-er, I feel semi-qualified for this position already, but let me say this:

I am only here to provide much needed T&A for the sausage fest. I'm not funny, witty, or particularly bright. I am extremely, devastatingly beautiful and I have huge cans.

In addition, I plan on revealing all secret of the feminine mystique. There will be frank talk on tampons, leg shaving, crotch waxing, eyebrow plucking (really all manner of hair removal) and open dialogue about uterine lining, breast tenderness and bloating. It's going to be like Seventeen Magazine, FHM and Best Week Ever had a mash-up. It's going to be really, really sexy.

Which is why I'm giving you this girl:

Her name is Sky Claudette Soto and she's like totally gothic.

And she writes poetry, too: I foresee a serpent wrapped amongst your delicate flesh.

Plus, she reads that poetry in an old-fashioned accent. Get in line boys, get in line.

sensei ern

2006-08-25T04:39:00.000-04:00

To say that this "set" ends on a high note is a gross understatement. Try and make it through to the end if you possibly can. Check out the sensei's myspace, too. Oh, and there's more Sensei Ern here and here.

In Honor

2006-08-12T23:01:00.000-04:00

Nothing shows our respect for the dead of 9/11 like a coin that features the Twin Towers standing up!

"So y'all mad at me, huh?"

2006-07-18T23:57:00.000-04:00

This is freakin' hilarious. It starts kinda slow, but gets better. The TIE fighter sequence is great.

panda dog, the sequel

2006-06-07T10:41:00.000-04:00

Get this video and more at MySpace.com

Ken Goldstar's World Cup Preview

2006-06-06T22:26:00.000-04:00

Frankly, I don't care for it.

James' "The Turn of the Screw"

2006-06-06T06:06:00.000-04:00

The story had held us, round the fire, sufficiently breathless, but except the obvious remark that it was gruesome, as, on Christmas Eve in an old house, a strange tale should essentially be, I remember no comment uttered till somebody happened to say that it was the only case he had met in which such a visitation had fallen on a child. The case, I may mention, was that of an apparition in just such an old house as had gathered us for the occasion -- an appearance, of a dreadful kind, to a little boy sleeping in the room with his mother and waking her up in the terror of it; waking her not to dissipate his dread and soothe him to sleep again, but to encounter also, herself, before she had succeeded in doing so, the same sight that had shaken him. It was this observation that drew from Douglas--not immediately, but later in the evening -- a reply that had the interesting consequence to which I call attention. Someone else told a story not particularly effective, which I saw he was not following. This I took for a sign that he had himself something to produce and that we should only have to wait. We waited in fact till two nights later; but that same evening, before we scattered, he brought out what was in his mind.

vinnie vidi vici

2006-06-04T03:13:00.000-04:00

News You Can Use

2006-05-22T00:42:00.000-04:00

by Ken Goldstar
Contributing Editor

I've been hearing around the CoT (formerly CoL) watercooler that some of the fellas around here don't like me. I feel that they may have taken personally some of the statements in my first NYCU piece.

I would just like to say that of course I meant those things personally. How else could I mean them?

Now that that's out of the way, I'd like to respond to criticisms that my views or style is somewhat derivative of Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report. Let me go on record as saying that Stephen Colbert is a coward. Frankly I don't watch whatever network he's on, but I did read in the paper about his little speechamabob at that hoytie-toytie liberal bitchfest known as the White House correspondent's dinner.

I was not amused (and a tad confused) by his antics and I suspect he is not as much of a serious journalist as he claims to be. But that is beside the point, because he at least appears to support this administration and all its tomfoolery. I'm a registered Republican, but have not voted since '56, when I was 18 years of age and the last vote-worthy candidate came across the ballot. I'm talking, of course, about Dwight David Eisenhower.

Ike built an America where a man can wash his hair, scrub down his Ford and bathe his obedient children all with the same gosh darn bar of soap. This country hasn't been like that since that crook Jack Kennedy took office and I don't see it heading back there any time soon with these monkeys in pants they have running things on The Hill. Until then, I'm keeping my vote where it belongs- in a cigar box under my bed that also contains a Smith and Wesson, a pack of Lucky Strikes and my Don Drysdale rookie card.

And that, is news you can use.

Blazin...Hazen

2006-05-17T22:45:00.000-04:00

You want the truth? It doesn't get much more real than this

Holy.

Just fuckin' watch it.

pray

2006-05-16T11:09:00.000-04:00

more to come, maybe

The Uncommon Crumpet, Or: Why Keri Had THC In Her System

2006-05-07T22:37:00.000-04:00

***THIS IS IN REFERENCE TO A PAST ENTRY, ENTITLED 'KERI HAD THC IN HER SYSTEM' FROM MONDAY, APRIL 24, 2006*** (can a web-log clan member of mine link that on here, at the beginning of my post...I'm so unprofessional...)
--------------------------------------
Location: Just outside of a courtroom in Branson, Missouri.
Time: 3:15 P.M., Central Standard Time.
Present: Keri (young; white jacket), Gertrude (geriatric woman), and Rhonda (dark, shoulder-length hair; flannel jacket). Soon to appear, Keri's mother (the infamous duker).
-----------------------------------------------------
[After learning of the judge's decision in a small civil court, Gertrude and Rhonda have approached Keri to rub-in their victory.]

Rhonda: I knew from the moment you moved into our neighborhood that you were no good, Keri! Today, we were finally vindicated.

Gertrude: That's right. Trash like you don't [sic] belong in Wooden Oakes. We spell our neighbourhood with an 'E' in the word Oakes...and a 'U' in the word neighbourhood.

Keri: I don't care about you and your neighborhood. There ain't no [sic] difference in the pronunciation. So you can't make no [sic] accusations about the way I speel or don't spell words.

Judge: [stepping out from his office] Lady's [sic], watch your language. [Steps back in his office.]

Keri: Anyways, I don't recall your family doing anything to help out your darling child, Roseanna. She's the one who got me into this mess in the first place.

Rhonda: Ha! That's what you think, Scary-Keri.

Keri: What do you mean?

Rhonda: We let Roseanna have you over that Friday night so that we could follow through with our grand plan. Remember that wonderful meal you were so in LOVE with?

Keri: You mean the--

Gertrude: --That's right, missy. The Scottish Crumpets.

Keri: I thought those were pancakes!

Gertrude: That's what my Rhonda, here, thought when SHE was your age. We told her that so that she would eat delicasies of other countries! We couldn't see the world as a family because of my deadbeat husband! All his life, working in the carpet warehouse; lugging carpet around for a measly $20/hour wage...and for what?! No pension!!! That good for nothing boss of his, Old Man Smitherman, never gave him any bonuses. So we never got to see Europe. We never got to see Australia. So Rhonda...all she had to look forward to was her pancakes.

Rhonda: Mother! My whole childhood...based on pancakes...actually based on Scottish crumpets... [tears well and fall] actually based on--lies.

Gertrude: Honey...that is the ultimate irony, isn't it? We knew they weren't pancakes. We, Rhonda. Both of us. We were getting back at Keri, but you were also getting back at your childhood. You didn't even know it, but you have reclaimed your childhood when I coudln't do it for you.

Keri: What do you mean: "getting back at Keri"? What did you do?! What was in those pancakes?!

Rhonda and Gertrude: CRUMPETS!!!

Keri: Whatever! Just answer me!

***BEGINNING OF CLIP ENTITLED 'KERI HAD THC IN HER SYSTEM'***

Gertrude: [turns to camera, gestures at Keri] She is utter trash...

[Keri's mother approaches from the background]

Rhonda: (inaudible)...Did you know that honey? [turning to Keri's mother] Keri had THC in her system--

[Keri's mother straight-up clocks Rhonda...she and Keri walk away]

new wes anderson movie

2006-05-05T16:23:00.000-04:00

being true to himself? (admittedly a pretty loose connection to this new "theme," but whatever).

if he had to do one, at least it's better than m. night's.

better quality here.

Truth: Han Shoots First

2006-05-05T11:08:00.000-04:00

The truth about the fictional Star Wars universe will finally be released in September.

speaking of truth

2006-05-05T09:17:00.000-04:00

jesus christ could hit a curve ball

"News You Can Use" by Ken Goldstar

2006-05-05T00:08:00.000-04:00

by Ken Goldstar
Contributing Editor

A famous journalist once asked me, "Do you 'hate' Circus of Lies and the people who 'write' for it?"

"'Hate' is such a strong word," I replied, taking a long, dramatic draw from my Diet Ginger Ale. "Yes, yes I do hate them," I concluded.

I'm Kenneth R. Goldstar, and I'm here to clean up this mess.

For over a year and a half now, I've watched these spineless ninnies post pellets of mind-numbing drivel onto this hideous blog like so much rabbit food being used by the school janitor to clean up vomit. Well, playtime is over, ladies. I'm here to inject some truth into these slovenly layabouts and give the honest, hardworking people of the internet some News they can Use.

Before I roll up my sleeves and delve into the compost heap that is and was "Circus of Lies," some finger-pointing needs to be done. First and foremost, a very stern talking-to is long overdue for one David Gilmore, who doesn't even bother to waste our time with anything original on here since he started his own shameless, self-promoting ventures elsewhere. This sloppy excuse for a man is everything that is wrong with America, and I hope he chokes on his Fair Trade coffee. If I had two words to describe him, I'd choose "trite" and "derivative." If I had one word to describe him, I would just make a long, exaggerated farting noise.

Jay and "Doctor" Josh are a veritable black hole for coherent thought. If I had a French Revolution for every time I didn't understand something these two mooks were saying, well, let's just say I'd have a lot of severed aristocratic heads.

Tim Fair is the only person here with any kind of work ethic. Unfortunately that work ethic doesn't transfer over to the blogosphere, where "the Rabbi" is about as productive as Oscar Schindler. (Can we get someone to look into whether he's actually been ordained as a Rabbi? I believe in a firm separation between Church and Blog, anyway.)

Tony and Ryan are barely worth mentioning here. Is it any coincidence Ryan is moving to Massachuesetts? He and Tony might as well ruin the sanctity of marriage since they've already ruined the sanctity of blogging.

As for all you citizens who just perpetuate this haven for tomfoolery by commenting and visiting this site: shame on you. You've done your country and your internet a great disservice.

I'll be checking in periodically to see how this place is shaping up. In the meantime, mind your Ps and Qs, ne'erdowells.

Keri Had THC In Her System

2006-04-24T00:26:00.000-04:00

Nora alerted me to this, the best 9 seconds of your life so far. I'd wait for her to post it herself, but since she isn't on this blog (NO GIRLS ALLOWED!), I thought I'd do the honors.

unsafe at any speed

2006-04-19T20:18:00.000-04:00

On second thought, I love America

2006-04-05T20:47:00.000-04:00

It's not just that this thing was born, it's that they then carried it around town in a small tub.

on that note

2006-04-02T17:53:00.000-04:00

hal morris, diamond king

Chris Sabo died for our sins

2006-04-01T22:54:00.000-05:00

Tony, check out Chris Sabo's card at the bottom of this page. Other people will laugh as well. Guaranteed, or your money back.

just watch

2006-03-29T21:15:00.000-05:00

found by becca, a girl in my program

In Memoriam

2006-03-29T17:23:00.000-05:00

i love americans

2006-03-28T13:57:00.000-05:00

I hate Americans

2006-03-25T19:37:00.000-05:00

This clip has everything: absurd local news story, idiotic people, gold teef, and "eyewitness sketches."

As seen on Break.com

"enough is enough. i've had it with these snakes."

2006-03-19T18:47:00.000-05:00

first frames of cinematic gold

Chuck Norris

2006-03-16T13:07:00.000-05:00

I'm sure I'm way behind everyone on this one, but I thought it should be part of our blog. This is Chuck Norris reading the top ten facts about himself.

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=3443&NEXTID=0&PREVID=3442&DISPLAYORDER=20060314182638&CAT=movies&NSFW=0&page=1&genre=0&rating=nsfw_sfw

True story

2006-02-11T02:01:00.000-05:00

This story about "Camel toads" really appeared in a Kansas newspaper.

(Why did the picture become an angry face? I don't know...)

lovely linda

2006-02-10T01:30:00.000-05:00

Title: The Other Side of the Mountain

Plot: Based on the true story of Jill Kinmont. In 1955, eighteen-year-old Jill is a truly talented, gifted skier and a shoo-in for the 1956 Winter Olympics. But Jill comes close to losing everything when she takes a near fatal fall off a mountain during the last race of the season. Paralyzed from the shoulders down, Jill now has to climb another kind of mountain-working her way up from total helplessness to leading a fulfilling life. With the help of family, friends, and an extraordinary man, Jill begins the quest up that mountain.

User Comments:

4 out of 8 people found the following comment useful:-
Excellent :), 10 September 1998

Author: Linda Mc Carthy from NJ, USA

I am disabled and I could not sleep one night. I was flipping through the channels and I found this movie on. It brought tears to my eyes. This movie made me realize that now matter how bad things get, there is always someone worse. An excellent movie :)

Fuzzy Wuzzy Was a Bear---errr, a Dog

2006-02-05T02:52:00.000-05:00

There're tons of cute pictures on this blog, but I wanted to share one in particular. It's a dog. That looks like a panda.

That's nothing, I used to have a dog that looked like an ewok.

Meanwhile, my parents are fostering a litter of puppies, as well as another bitch about to give birth (they don't call her CrazyDawgLdy for nothing). I'm not sure what these look like, but certainly not dogs...

Josh and Dave, I have a job for you...

2006-01-26T21:01:00.000-05:00

So apparently the hunting of Bigfeet has turned into a civic job in Malaysia. Reason #1,275,334 why I am glad I live in the United States.

Oh God.

2006-01-24T18:37:00.000-05:00

Very much the good. I can't wait. But then once it's out and the broski's pick up on this, I'll have to cut my cord.

Either way.

Pretty dang good...

JJK

lambda lambda lambda

2006-01-14T14:19:00.000-05:00

i've been sitting on this for awhile, so i thought i'd share. in the bgsu library there is an "alumni wall of fame." featured there is none other than bernie casey, perhaps best known as u.n. jefferson, president of trilamda fraternity, from revenge of the nerds and mr. ryan from bill and ted's excellent adventure. his plaque doesn't acknowledge his nerdily awesome roles by name, but it's not like it needs to. in case i wasn't sure i was in the right place, now i know.

Circus of Lies Intrablog Q and A, vol. 1

2006-01-11T02:31:00.000-05:00

TO: Tony
FROM: Dave

Tony, on your MySpace page, it lists your hero as Jospeh Campbell. Is this meant to be ironically funny because Campbell is considered the foremost authority on heroes in literature or is he legitimately your hero? For the record, either answer is completely admirable.

the headlines

2006-01-10T00:33:00.000-05:00

courtesy of google image search.

"bird flu"

"intelligent design"

"war in iraq"

"alito"

4 g4morZ only

2006-01-08T22:27:00.000-05:00

The next installment in my attempts to revive Circus of Lies is a funny article about the future of gaming.

From the Onion

2006-01-08T13:06:00.000-05:00

As a teacher, I can appreciate this:

Today's Birthday

2006-01-07T20:28:00.000-05:00

I just felt bad that Circus of Lies had been neglected lately, so I decided to see if anybody worthy of our attention was celebrating a birthday today. Turns out, there is.

Happy Birthday, Kenny Loggins. That highway to the danger zone only has one exit... straight to my heart.

Merry Dido's Birthday!

2005-12-25T00:00:00.000-05:00

As our readers from the beginning know, in even years we celebrate Rickey Henderson's birthday, and on odd years we celebrate Dido's (this is something people of all faiths can get behind in additoin to their traditional holiday celebrations). We want to "Thank You" for being such awesome readers this year.

-Circus of Lies

KING KONG's Kock-Block

2005-12-20T22:54:00.000-05:00

****Warning! Teaser Alert, Homeys!!!****

I just want you all to know a few things about KING KONG before you (ad)venture out to see it. Get it? It's an adventure movie! People are adventuring in the movie! Wow!

Anyhow, there are these dudes, right? And they TOTALLY love to drink. But the only thing is------IT'S ILLEGAL! Oh, snap! Those stupid squares up in their ivory towers at City Hall said, "No way are you gonna get my daughter drunk and make her play XBOX games!"

So then these dudes are like, "Screw this, I'm going to Skull Land. They get partied!"

So after they are on a boat with a lot of sausage and only one chic, they are so totally horny. So they look for the liquor cabinet, but then this homeless kid points at them and they get totally Skull-ed.

Kong grabs their only source of sexin' and then doesn't even make a move, dude. Like, I would have totally boned her AND her mom by the time the fuckin' dinos get there!!!

So then the biggest cluster-fuck caught on film comes.

****MAJOR SPOILER, DUDES!****

These Brontos and Allosaurus's's's's's's are running down this bob-sled looking tube. They get some serious air and totally get the girls. But they don't pay attention and make a big mound of dinos.

Dude, get ready to get cock-blocked, Kong! Cuz he totally falls asleep after drinking too many. These giant Draculas bite Kong and our broseph Brody says, "This bitch is mine. Holla."

Kong stops to piss again and totally gets slipped some bad bud, homes. "Your Big Ass is heading to the Big Apple, bitch." I wanted Forrest Gump's son to say that, but he totally didn't! His cheek got cut! Dogsssssssssssssss.

Basically, the rest of the story is this:
1) Kong personally is responsible for the end of bannin' the beers. Everyone says: 'Fuck, that was a Kong. I need a drink.'
2) Kong and that chic totally get busy on the top of a building, but the 'single-props' give NO props to The Man.

Alright, you should go see it. Because it is a pretty good version of what I have written here. Hollaaaaaa.

A Year In Review

2005-12-17T00:54:00.000-05:00

One year ago this weekend Circvs of Lies was born unto the Interweb. Since then, we've had a number of failed "gimmicks" or "features" including:

-Date Dave
-Light Side/Dark Side
-Dave Watches The Ashlee Simpson Show
-IMDb Message Board Threads From Hell

Aside from those crappy experiements (three of which I directly participated in), we had a year of bizarre finds and insomnia-induced rants and one C/D List celebrity run-in.

We got way more hits than we deserved, and some genuinely hilarious comments. So thank you all for that.

And yes, I still feel like an awful person for that last post about the guy getting shot. People getting shot is never funny. Well, that's not true, the end of The Chronicles of Narnia when the dwarf gets popped is pretty hilarious. See you in '06!

You know what Federal Air Marshals hate?

2005-12-07T21:48:00.000-05:00

When people quote Ben Stiller movies.

Best Mascot Ever

2005-12-05T22:01:00.000-05:00

Blogger is having technical difficulties, so I hope this post goes through. I couldn't wait until things were working though, this had to be mentioned immediately.

Some school in Utah now officially has the best mascot in history. Even better than the Zips or the Fighting Rainbows.

I want to take his face... off

2005-12-01T12:17:00.000-05:00

Well, it's finally possible. Give me the "Tom Selleck" please, so Josh will finally make out with me.

Bats

2005-11-23T19:34:00.000-05:00

Dave, I just started laughing today because out of nowhere I thought about when there was a bat in Bob's room and you nailed it with that broom.

JJK

Pretty good

2005-11-23T10:26:00.000-05:00

This is pretty good, check it out, feel free to vote, maybe even somebody can Photoshop up a better looking one.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/matthewbaldwin/20998300/in/photostream/

Laters

Ryan, stay up.

JJK

Buenger Newslettern s

2005-11-18T00:07:00.000-05:00

They're PDFs. I assume you can all handle getting a PDF reader...If not, e-mail me and I can send you a .doc. Or I mean, ask Dave.

Newsletter1

Newsletter2

Newsletter3

Newsletter4

Newsletter5

JJK

the buenger newsflyer: the incomplete collection

2005-11-17T02:08:00.000-05:00

I didn't really have much to do with The Buenger Newsflyer, but I did read it once or twice. I didn't get angry afterwards, either! You can download the five issues from volume 2 (in .PDF and .DOC) here.

That's right, more piping hot original content from the blog that Doug Benson once mentioned.

buenger newsflyer

2005-11-12T21:22:00.000-05:00

this is kind of like "circus of lies: epidsode one." in every sense of the phrase "episode one."

Happy Birthday Rabbi

2005-10-29T12:40:00.000-04:00

enjoy.

bruce wayne

2005-10-16T03:05:00.000-04:00

the song "bruce wayne" at this site is pretty amazing. click this link and this link for some equally great fan art.

Lord.

2005-10-06T07:59:00.000-04:00

Dave, that was awesome. Probably one of the best things I've ever seen. Thank you.

Also awesome? This:

Find out more at http://www.thyla.com/

JJK

this week in horrifying statues

2005-10-05T01:26:00.000-04:00

josh, prepare yourself.

uuummmmmmmm...

Great Expectations

2005-10-04T22:29:00.000-04:00

So if Nic Cage's son is Kal-El Coppola Cage, he has three distinct goals for his life. First, he can try to be a no-talent hack with an Academy Award (Cage), then he can try and sire an entire family of Oscar-winning prodigies (Coppola), or he can try and turn back time by spinning the world backwards, defeat some angry Kryptonians (including that chick that looked like an East German swimmer), and save the world with Richard Pryor (Kal-El). I'm gonna name my kid Jesus Socrates Brewer.

Top 10 Bogus Journeys

2005-10-04T19:11:00.000-04:00

1. Bill and Ted's
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

damnit. i should really give these posts more thought before i start them.

punctuation

2005-09-23T23:21:00.000-04:00

a link

2005-09-22T15:57:00.000-04:00

Hey, along Tony's line...

If you get cut in the water, the blood attracts sharks.

But what if you have bloody diarrhea? Does that make them come faster or avoid you?

Also, if you’re a zombie, will sharks come? I mean, because they’re not supposed to have blood right?

JJK

americer

2005-09-21T13:14:00.000-04:00

a thought i had the other month

2005-09-19T15:50:00.000-04:00

here's a thought i had awhile back: suppose you had a dog. you cut him or her somewhere on his or her body and threw him or her in the ocean off the coast of australia. i wonder how long it would take for him or her to be eaten by a great white.

Crossing That Line

2005-09-05T02:29:00.000-04:00

Guy I'd go gay for: Tom Selleck.

First Week of Classes

2005-08-30T13:15:00.000-04:00

Well, I just got home from Dr. Johnson's Catullus class, which means I have now attended each of the classes for this semester. Last Wednesday night was a fiasco. Bob came back from campus and told me that Dr. Konstantinos Kapparis's (yes, that's his real name) Greek Composition class had been moved from 7 to 8. My immediate reaction was, "Who told you that?" It turns out that it was a fairly reliable source. However, when we arrived at 7:40 to a room full of students writing notes and a professor fiddling with a laptop, I could only conclude that we were 40 minutes late. Wonderful start to my graduate career. It turns out that there was genuine confusion regarding the time the course met, so nobody was held accountable for being late (two girls actually got there after we did). Anyway, the remaining time for the class was used for what I can only describe as a vocabulary quickdraw contest. We went sentence by sentence in the first lesson in North and Hillard and did them "together," which means most of us sat with vacant stares while one of the Ph.D. students supplied all the vocab. I could not grasp the academic significance of doing this, since the sentences were such that, given the meanings of the words, a 10-year-old could have arrived at the proper response. So, as I am wont to do, I chose withdrawal, and as a result the rest of the period is a bit murky. The following day in the Symposium class, we were treated to the chair of the department and renowned Dracula-talker, Dr. Wagman, forcing us to read the beginning of the Phaedrus from a manuscript. That experience was mostly horrible with a few brief periods of excruciating agony, but at least it was long. He did serve champagne about halfway through the class, which was okay, but it felt like an empty attempt at collegiality. I grow bored of hearing grown people brag about how much they can drink. Now, throw down three bottles of Robitussin and maybe we'll talk. That would wreck your mind something awful, as our own resident doctor knows well. Anyway, Johnson was the only prof with the foresight to give us assignments for the first day, so tonight we went through the syllabus and all that happy horseshit, and then we read Catullus 1-8. Next week is 9-17. He claimed we would be reading 600 lines per week (which would finish the entire Catullan corpus in like four weeks), so I'm not sure where that figure came from. Granted, he has us doing plenty of outside reading, but still. Despite his tendency toward the dramatic, I enjoyed his class the most so far. Anyway, a week ago we took the diagnostics. It was fairly painless. I knew that I had missed stuff, but I didn't leave the room with a sense that I shouldn't be here. The vocabulary was an issue, but I did pretty well. Overall, I'm happy with these classes. I'm sure Comp and Plato will be okay once we start dealing with assignments we've had time to prepare. Wagman's class made me despair of ever becoming a classicist. At one point during his lengthy treatment of the manuscript tradition of the Symposium and of various Greek inscriptions, I thought to myself, "Self, you don't give two shits about what he's talking about." Steve Metzger told me that this fact would prevent me from becoming a medievalist as well. I suppose it does make me something less than a scholar. I find myself drawn more and more toward the Renaissance (the discussions of the Shakespearean and Marlovian manuscript traditions are at least palatable), but I'm trying to keep an open mind about classics. Well, it's 9:15 and I'm going to bed. That's right, one week of grad school has aged me like 10 years.

what a wuss

2005-08-25T01:31:00.000-04:00

sissy marlins batboy fails milk challenge, goes out like a chump (unlike three bloggers who shall remain nameless, who barfed a well-coordinated neopolitan design all over the X.)

ouch

2005-07-21T23:25:00.000-04:00

Evidence that Cincinnati's job market is the worst in America.

It can't walk, but it DOES shoot flames...

2005-07-13T15:11:00.000-04:00

This

may be the coolest thing on Ebay since the former missile silo was up for sale...

the magic words

2005-07-07T00:57:00.000-04:00

The cool features involved with a StatCounter account allow you to track the keywords that draw people into your site. So, just for fun, here's our most recent data. Honestly, if I was searching for "circus sex" or "ryan gosling had a boner" and I ended up here, I'd be pretty pissed off. Sorry if we delayed whatever awful things you were planning on doing once you reached your intended destination.

7	18.92%	sex in video games
3	8.11%	cacee cobb pictures
3	8.11%	doug benson
3	8.11%	sex.video
3	8.11%	big balls
2	5.41%	cobra kai
2	5.41%	date dave
1	2.70%	club sandwiches not seals
1	2.70%	doug benson comedian
1	2.70%	cacee cobb
1	2.70%	owen wilson
1	2.70%	dance with devil pale moonlight batman
1	2.70%	circus aquatic
1	2.70%	ryan gosling boner
1	2.70%	dance with the devil in the pale moonlight batman
1	2.70%	circus sex
1	2.70%	ryan gosling had a boner
1	2.70%	video sex
1	2.70%	prince dance with the devil
1	2.70%	reasons to buy a psp
1	2.70%	dance with the devil in the pale moonlight

idiot box roundup

2005-07-05T00:45:00.000-04:00

Well, being back home has left me jobless and with a lot of free time. So, naturally, I've been able to check out some of the new shows on the airwaves this summer. Enjoy! (Or don't!)

Party at the Palms, E!- The creators of "Wild On" somehow managed to produce a show that's less informative than "Wild On." On the official website, they call this a "variety" show set at the Palms resort (of "Real World Vegas: The One With Trishelle" fame) and hosted by Jenny McCarthy. So, not only is the show confusing and vapid, but it never leaves one location. They even left the bar once or twice on "Cheers"! You know, I never really saw the point of watching "Wild On" anyway, but this makes even less sense. Still, Jenny McCarthy is still strangely attractive after all these years. Grade: D-

The Andy Milonakis Show, MTV- First let me say that I gave this show no chance of being entertaining. I thought that Andy's videos that circulated the internet last year were really lame and weren't good for more than a chuckle. For SOME reason (ahem, Jimmy Kimmel, I'm looking at you), he now has his own "show" on MTV's Sunday Stew. Granted, I laugh at some dumb and absurd things, and I've seen "Congo" way too many times for my opinion to count, but come on, we deserve better than this. It's safe to say after 22 minutes I wanted to punch Andy Milonakis. Grade: C-

Being Bobby Brown, BRAVO- Being Bobby Brown (the state of being) and "Being Bobby Brown" (the show) both suck miserabely. You probably couldn't find a guy less indifferent to Whitney Houston until I saw this show, but now, my anger toward her keeps me up at night. She's just so...yikes. Let's just say there are a LOT of subtitles required here. The one redeeming moment of the episode I caught was Brown's sage-like words of wisdom: "Man, these women today, they just don't give a f-!" Grade: F

Stella, Comedy Central- Michael Ian Black and those two other guys are really funny. Grade: B+

Rescue Me, F/X- Okay, I'll admit it, I've never actually "seen" this show, but I was watching part of a "King of the Hill" marathon on F/X and I saw this promo about a billion times. This show bothers me for two reasons. A) It's not funny (the zinger, when he finds out his ladyfriend has called him over an "emotional emergency" is: "Next time, call the hormone hotline!") and b) it's being marketed to me as every genre possible. It's a gritty drama about firefighters, but with the comedy stylings of Dennis Leary, making it a shitty comedy like "The Job," but wait, it's also a heady social commentary on 9/11. And it's a romantic sci-fi thriller. Okay I made that last part up. There's just too much going on. I'm sorry Dennis Leary, I want to like you, but you NEED to stop making cop/firefighter shows, and doing standup comedy, and Quaker State commericals, and doing most movies. Actually, if you could just stick to being the absentee stepdad in "The Sandlot," that'd be killer. Grade: Incomplete

Skin (2003), FOX- "HIS FATHER IS THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY!!!!!!!" Grade: A+++

Hey Ryan...

2005-06-23T15:09:00.000-04:00

I know that Ryan's getting married soon, maybe this could be used as a cake idea!

I particularly enjoy the bride's eyes; you can tell she loves it!

Yay video games!

JJK

my screenplay

2005-06-23T10:13:00.000-04:00

as many of you know, i'm working on learning the craft of screenwriting. it's been a lot of hard work, but my first spec script is finally finished. i've been working on this since february. traditionally, hollywood screenplays are 115-140 pages, but i really think i've got lightning in a bottle here. eat your heart out, william goldman.

Varying degrees of bad attitudes

2005-06-20T04:43:00.000-04:00

From the Screen It! parental review of "The Royal Tenenbaums":

"Various characters have varying degrees of bad attitudes, including one who stabs another in the gut with a pocketknife and a father who purposefully shoots his young son in the hand with BB gun during a game."

If I hadn't seen this and it wasn't already one of my favorite movies, it would be now.

Read more (and find the details of exactly how much nudity is in every movie, ever) here.

Finally, whaling is back in fasion

2005-06-19T21:54:00.000-04:00

-Whalers call for return to commercial hunting[Guardian Unlimited]

Take that, stupid whales.

This is why poor people are sad

2005-06-15T21:41:00.000-04:00

Here is a list of free things to do in Ohio (these are just some of the best selections... the rest can be found at http://www.ohiotraveler.com/things_to_do.htm )

* Animal shelter: Kind of a sad visit if you don’t plan to adopt an animal but you may consider volunteering to walk a dog. Sometimes, the facility will allow you to tour its clinic and explain the shots and other treatments. It’s good for kids to learn about pet care.

* Bank: Call up your local bank and ask for a tour. Winter Advisory: If you wear a ski-mask, take it off before entering the bank. Kids love the big vaults.

* Hospital: Again, just call and ask for a tour. Think of the eye-opening fun the kids could have or even the learning experience you might have.

* Post-office: This could be an interesting learning experience for kids. Call your local post-office and ask for a look see.

* Restaurant: Find a unique restaurant or see a series of different ethnic places to see how interesting cuisines are prepared and what goes on behind the scenes. Most places love to show-off their businesses.

Well kids, I hope that was helpful. If only I'd know some of these free things when I was at Xavier...

Highly chromed out

2005-06-14T14:03:00.000-04:00

Like so much polished Audi A8....

Of course, this is only available in Dubai. Wait, Dubai? Isn't that like in terrorist land? How could this possibly be of use in terrorist land? I'm not even sure how terrorists could afford this...They must have found like oil or something near Dubai. Damn oil terrorists...

JJK

Even more famous than Dave...

2005-06-13T19:37:00.000-04:00

I love having my blood pressure taken!!! :-D

http://www.xavier.edu/magazine/read_article.cfm?art_id=1073

oh. the horror. the horror.

2005-06-03T14:59:00.000-04:00

i got an email from dr. cueva with this audition info for a horror movie. here is the info. let me know if anyone is going. i might go, too if i can.

Actors Needed:

For a feature length horror film!

Auditons are Sunday, June 12th.

Looking for actors and actress to fill several lead and supporting roles. Twenty-somethings especially but all ages needed.

Prepare to read from the script.

For more info and to set up an appointment contact Christopher Wesley at sovereignentertainment@fuse.net or 513-706-4775.

i'm not sure if it is the chris wesley of don't tell anna fame, but it probably is.

The Return of IMDb Message Board Threads From Hell

2005-05-28T03:14:00.000-04:00

Of course, it took a new Star Wars movie to resurrect this painful feature. Read, if you dare, a thread cleverly titled "Legolas would kill Anakin in a fight!" Actually, come to think of it, pretty much every thread on the Episode III board qualifies as a message board thread from hell. And yes, this is coming from the same blog that asked not long ago whether Luke Skywalker or Neo was cooler. For the record I think this discussion is way worse.

The Legend of the Golem

2005-05-25T17:00:00.000-04:00

Some interesting thoughts on the Golem of Prague, the first computer EVER, and the fifth dimension.

we're still alive

2005-05-19T16:20:00.000-04:00

i swear.

Just click on the picture...

2005-05-04T10:25:00.000-04:00

and this

2005-05-03T00:31:00.000-04:00

procrastination

2005-05-02T23:55:00.000-04:00

and

The same thing happened with my schlong

2005-05-01T16:50:00.000-04:00

In the defense of the law enforcement officials, they can be dangerous...

Dangerous foodstuffs...

Togo or not Togo

2005-04-25T01:14:00.000-04:00

reason number 4532 why Togo is way worse than Benin

son of strongman guns for togo's presidency

Single Tear

2005-04-21T12:20:00.000-04:00

Wasn't it Frank Sinatra who said, "That's life, that's what all the people say. You're riding high in April, shot down in May but I know I'm gonna change that tune, when I'm back on top, back on top in June?" Well I guess he was off by a few weeks in the case of von Richthofen. Today's the anniversary of ol' RB getting blasted out of the sky. A German Pope this close to the anniversary of RB's death? Oy vey.

JJK

Hooizit?

2005-04-20T13:45:00.000-04:00

I thought that you guys would like this...

THE LINK

-Pat Gill is legend

JJK